Why we get addicted? and what to do about it.

Dr. Gabo Maté, an addiction expert, suggests in his TEDx talk ‘the real question is not ‘why the addiction, but why the pain’’ … according to Maté we are unable to stop using some substance or activity primarily not because it is addictive, but we get addicted to something because it solves a problem that we are unable to address any other way that we know of. The solution however is very short lived and comes with a heavy cost, damaging our health, relationships, and connection with God, in the long run.

So, why the pain. Johan Harri, another author who has written on addiction, describe it as a result of isolation. When we are isolated, suggests Harri, it can be very painful and scary, therefore, we feel this urge to escape from the harrowing nature of the loneliness we feel. Eric Fromm, long time back, however, described Loneliness to be of two types: (a) Physical loneliness, and (b) Moral Loneliness.

Moral Loneliness as per Fromm is a type of loneliness where you feel lonely even among your friends and family, as you are unable to express something despite the need not because it is morally inappropriate but because you are scared that you will face some unpleasant reaction from others. Carl Jung would also agree.

Your fear can be totally because of a false or a misplaced belief. However, since it feels too risky therefore you prefer not to share something you feel, but that comes at a price. The price is that disconnect, or internal conflict, or trauma if I bring in Gabor Maté again, that one experiences as a result of inability to express. This could be some grief, which you feel may not make sense to others, or anger, or some resentment, etc.

Children often learn to hide their emotions because their parents get upset when they share what they are feeling. As the parents are stressed out, and perhaps not so much self-aware or able to exercise enough empathy or self-regulation, so they unintendedly overreact. As a result, Gabor Maté describes, we learn eventually to preserve our attachment with parents or elders at the expense of our authenticity.

A natural reaction emerging from our bodies, or hearts, is eventually seen by us as negative. The children rather should have been shown how to appropriately express what they are feeling, but they instead learn to see their feelings as threatening as they invite the wrath of the dysregulated elders.

The belief about our natural expression lingers on, turning our habit of suppression as a second nature. How long you can hold your pee, or how long you can remain hungry, or how long you can bear uncomfortable temperatures, or how long you can hold something heavy without feeling an unbearable pain? Likewise, how long you can suppress a particular emotion instead of entertaining it like any other urge, and letting it pass without causing any damage to anyone? The answer is not infinity.

Eventually, a time comes, when it becomes too painful, and mysterious at the same time, as we forget what it is about, hence the term ‘disconnect’ … or even if we are aware, we are unaware of any healthy way to release it, also because since its bottled up, it may be too explosive … the internal conflict that is eventually generated thus cause intense discomfort. It gets even more uncomfortable if you have forgotten what exactly is causing it.

Here is a test: if you find it very uncomfortable to spend some alone, idle, without distraction, in a plain blank room, for example it is a sign that something is lurking inside which wants out, but the second nature to suppress wants to keep it suppressed, hence the discomfort, the struggle against the discomfort turns it into a vicious cycle.

Addicts of any kind, from those who are addicted to games on their phone, to drugs, from Alcohol to legally available and prescribed psychiatric drugs, or narcotics, to pornography, to workaholism, to shopping etc. are all very likely trying to escape parts of their own nature that they have learn to ignore or suppress.

That is what I believe one can infer from the work of Gabor Mate, Johan Harri, Marion Woodman and others.

The solution perhaps has already been prescribed by Moulana Rumi long time back … He is known for saying ‘The cure of pain is in the pain’ and ‘The desire to understand oneself ends all desires’ …

But to step forward in the direction of your discomfort even just to acknowledge its existence is typically a haunting experience, often requiring external support of an understanding company. The second nature, often our defense mechanism, kicks in hard, and try its level best to prevent the higher conscious self to access the hidden layers of our nature.

However, it is possible to convince our defense mechanisms, aka our egos, to step aside and let the stuffed material to come out, slow and gradually, often in cycles. This convincing cannot happen if we get into confrontation with our egos, but quite the contrary.

Embracing the pain connects us to the hidden layers of our nature (sic the shadow) with the conscious awareness, which eventually can rewire the neural networks as with the help of awareness of the present moment, the hidden parts can realize that it is no more threatening any more. But to communicate this to those parts it is necessary to hear their cry first.

This is a brief description, which I and others have explained in much detail elsewhere. Here the purpose is to point towards the cause of addiction, and briefly explain what can be done about it.

For more details, please see my articles here on stress regulation, self-awareness and anger regulation.